I am in a situation that,

I have to love people in spite of what they are.

All of us are in a situation where

we have to love people in spite of what they are.

And it’s never been easy.

So, my question is, how do I love people in spite of them?

There’s a beautiful book called Celestine Prophecy.

Ah athe padikannum, puriyathu. (Ah want to read it, not easy to understand)

Okay, you can buy. OK.

I will explain the essence, you will understand. You will get excited…

Antha book vanganum appadinnu… (Have to buy that book…)

You won’t understand…

But there’s a wonderful chapter in that book

called Celestine prophecy called control drama.

There’s so much insight into human behavior in that.

As human being there is this nature

in all of us to be the alpha.

That I should be in control of this situation.

In any situation I should be in control of the situation.

So, he explains six different ways by which people try to gain this control.

For example, there are people who play this aloof drama to gain control,

they will stop talking to you.

And they know that they matter to you in life.

And if they don’t talk to you for some time,

you will be like this but eventually you will give in,

you will go and talk to them.

Their end… They are not even consciously doing it.

But they want to gain control,

they feel they’re not having control over you.

And how do I gain this control over you stop talking to you.

Two days, three days, four days, five days, six days,

how do you live within the same roof without – not talking with each other.

So, eventually you will go illema… (it’s not like that…) enthu than… (it’s my…)

Five six days if you continuously introspect,

all of us feel we can be a much better person.

So, we feel all this thought will come in introspection.

First day in introspection you will feel,

but I don’t think I was wrong.

Second day in introspection you feel,

maybe I’m wrong. Okay.

Third day you will feel her maturity is only so much,

but for my maturity for my standard

I should not have done that.

Fifth day… your this thing you will see that

– uska maturity utna hi hai… (their maturity is only so much…)

I will change, okay.

Mahatria said know, I should take ‘U’ turn,

I will take ‘U’ turn.

And sixth day introspection you feel,

love is love only when it does not alter my love for other people.

Poitu…  neeya poitu… (on your own you’ll go…) Illema… (No no…)

I’m sorryma…  OK ma…

atha porutha varaikum control kadachidachi (As far as they are concerned… they have gained control!)

Okay, yara irundhalum… (whomever it is…)

So this is one way by which, and it’s not difficult…

All of you can relate to…

either you are that, or you have somebody in your life where

the way they gain control over you is –

they will stop talking to you till you go and yield to them.

You will yield…

But in some of your cases, both is like that.

You won’t talk, I won’t talk Okay…

So let’s wait when you talk

both wants to wrestle this control

Let’s find out when this control will come.

When this continues,

for some time both is not talking

wait for…

waiting for…

both is waiting to take control.

Avalo than vera onnumey kadayathu (That is all; nothing else…)

they want to know if the other should yield.

Then you resort to a second drama, it’s called the ‘Poor me!’ drama.

I will try to make you guilty.

‘I’m going through this because of you.’

‘You have made me go through this.’

‘I will somehow let you know I’m suffering.’

Somewhere the…

deep inside, we are all beautiful people.

See all our ego, expectations, anger, prejudice,

everything is only on the surface,

deep inside all of us are love.

The contamination is only on the surface.

So at some stage when somebody

is continuously telling you

they’re suffering.

And especially if they’re telling you

they’re suffering because of you,

you will go down on your knees.

At some stage you will go down.

So, people take this ‘poor me’ to gain control over you.

It looks like they are the underdog,

but the underdog has actually gained control over you

because eventually they have made you yield to them.

You will yield to them.

What I’m saying is

they are not aware they’re doing this.

It is basically part of their personality.

Nobody is thinking and saying

nobody is having a checklist saying that

‘First I will try first method.

Aloof me

Work agalaya? (Did not work?)

Okay, let’s try version 2

‘Poor me’

Intha vartai ellam eppothan kathukaranga (They are learning this vocabulary only now!)

next time and both of you fight

you’ll use this also

‘Intha – Poor me – velai ellam en kittey vachu kathey ‘ (‘Do not try all this – Poor me – stuff with me!)

Ithu varaikkum…(Till now)

Till now you didn’t have a vocabulary.

Now you’re…

I’m giving you a vocabulary for all these things, okay,

now you’ll get angry and use this also.

So now they’ll trying to make you guilty,

and thereby try to gain control over you.

Not working?

Then there is this ‘Angry me’.

Because when the lion is roaring, it gains the attention of the entire jungle.

Even if the first two does not work, this works;

shout, scream, break something and create one drama for the whole thing and

somehow that gains…

It’s not that every time you fear somebody’s anger,

but you don’t want this nastiness to continue.

We don’t want children to see this or

we don’t want the neighborhood to know about this,

where servant is watching this entire thing.

Sometimes, in fact, to prevent your loved one

from continuing to be a nasty animal you give in.

Not because you’re wrong.

Many times we yield to somebody’s anger

because someone we love and

someone we look up to…

someone we adore…

someone we cherish…

We don’t want them to continue to look like an animal

to our own children we do that sometimes

to our own spouse we do it

to friends… to a boss…

In fact at one stage you feel like slapping the boss but you finally say

Evlo periya aalu! Yethuku ivlo cheap ah behave panran? Seri… (What a great man he is! Why is he behaving so cheaply? Ok…)

Right now, what he wants?

You do it and you come back

so the whole thing settles in there.

So anger itself is a control drama

when nothing is working people try to hurl that anger…

So there are different dramas here.

People know. People try to hurt themselves.

When they try to hurt themselves, you yield to it!

I won’t eat anymore

or they will physically hurt themselves or they hit themselves.

All these control drama is happening because

eventually because you love them, you’ll yield.

The whole issue is you love them,

which means you are a lover.

And because you love them and

you don’t want to see them either hurting themselves

or behaving like an animal,

or somewhere you don’t want them to continue to suffer,

or you’re not able to handle this

lack of communication in the relationship that matters so much to you,

you will eventually yield.

And the beauty in all these situations is,

I don’t know whether it’s beauty or not.

But the beauty in all these situations is

after you yield they again become sweethearts.

They become beautiful people,

they are normal people…

You cherish them, you think these are all spells that happens in them.

When I see you…

If somebody else asked me this question

I would have said the same thing.

Because when I’m saying this,

I’m not saying that somebody in your life is doing this,

even you will be doing this.

Even you have your own control drama,

we all have our control drama,

even you have your own control drama.

What is your control drama,

might be different from somebody else’s…

but we all have this…

When we feel,

‘I don’t have control over my loved ones’

we do something to gain control…

and because you love them you yield.

There are two ways to put it…

One, it’s okay.

You love them, right?

Yaru kosram Vuttu kudukarey? (For whose sake are you letting go?)

Unga appa amma kosram thaney? (For the sake of your parents only know?)

Un pondati kosram thaney? (For the sake of your wife only know?)

Un husband kosram thaney? (For the sake of your husband only know?)

Un pasangalukku thaney? (For the sake of your children only know?)

Ungalukku kosram thaney uttukudukaren? (Only for your sake I am letting go…)

Evvalavo uttu kudukaren theiyuma? (How much I am letting go, are you aware!)

Yaru kosram Vuttu kudukarey? (For whose sake are you letting go?)

Pona porathu…  (Let it go…)

Its ok…

When you call yourself a lover,

you win, I win, we win,

it doesn’t make a difference.

Only when there is only ego and

I’m bothered about whether,

I win or you win.

When I love you so much it really doesn’t matter to me

whether I win or you win; we win,

so it’s okay.

Unnaku enna jaikanum (What do you want? Wining…)

I love that scene.

I don’t know whether you’ve seen that…

Vellai illatha pattadari (Jobless graduate!)

You’ve seen the movie.

So, there is this villain in that movie where,

he will keep on trying to make the life of Dhanush difficult.

Because if he feels,

if Dhanush does this project…

One middle class guy has become an entrepreneur,

and feel like a winner.

And we have been an entrepreneur

for so many years, so…

So, he will keep on creating trouble for Dhanush.

It’s not about the entire movie.

But somehow I love the climax.

So finally he is going to inaugurate the whole thing

and that day has come and

he will come and again

the villain will come with some Gundas (thugs)…

And try to beat up them and then

Dhanush will beat up all the Gundas (thugs)…

Hero illaya? Athanaley… (Hero isn’t? So…)

He will beat up all the Gundas (Thugs)

And then he will look at the villain and ask him

I’ll say it in Tamil and then repeat in English,

He’ll look at the villain and ask,

Unaku enna problem? (what is your problem?)

Nan thothu poganum…. Avalo thaney!  (I must lose… That’s it know!)

Seri nan thothuten… Unaku satisfaction ah? (Ok, I will lose… Are you satisfied now?)

Unaku nan thokanum avalothaney… (You want me to lose… That’s it know!)

See, they’ve gone into this ego spell

where all they want to see is

Unaku nan thokanum Avalothaney… (You want me to lose… That’s it know!)

Nan thothuten! Nee santhoshama Eppo? (I have lost to you! Are you happy now?)

Eppo polama Vaa!  Ippo ennoda vanthu Inaugurate pannu! (Let’s go …  Now come with me and inaugurate!)

Sometimes even in our relationship,

they just need this control.

They want to feel they won and you lost.

It’s an ego fulfillment.

Uttukuduthuden! Yarukku uttu kudukarey? (Let go…  To whose sake are you letting go?)

People with whom I will live every breath of mine for the rest of the life.

Why am I even interested in proving to you whether

I’m winning or you’re winning?

Jaichuttu po! (Let the winning be yours!)

In fact, in all these situations by allowing you to win, I’m only winning!

The lover in me is winning.

Uttutu po! (Let go!)

Why are you wasting time in this entire thing?

So one way of dealing with control drama is

that you know that they’re doing this to make you yield.

If they matter so much to you, it’s okay… yield.

It will get over

because the moment you yield,

they will become a sweetheart again.

Again, the relationship is beautiful

again, you get good time.

In fact, the best version of them comes immediately after that.

It’s okay.

Because the alternative is don’t yield.

If you don’t yield, and you don’t give them the control

it might cost you the relationship.

And I don’t think some of you are ready to lose that relationship.

It’s not worth it.

But the question that you asked is

how do I love the world always and how do I love myself?

From gold only, gold necklace came.

So, the gold necklace cannot lose the property of gold.

From mud only mud pot came.

The mud pot cannot lose the property of mud.

From God only all of us came.

God is love.

If all of us came from God then we are all love,

we cannot lose that property of love.

If we cannot lose the property of love,

why should that love be buried deep inside?

Let it be on the surface,

we are all lovers.

The only differences is –

In a Jesus Christ and a Mother Theresa…

it’s on the surface.

For a lot of us our top layers

all seem to be ego, prejudice, expectations…

Ullukulla love Irukku (There is love deep inside)

Let all of us live our lives holding love on the surface.

Because your most beautiful version is the lover in you.

My most beautiful version is the lover in me.

Why should we settle for anything lesser than

the most beautiful version of ourselves?

So let’s all keep love in the surface,

and love this world in spite of the world…

Love this world because of the world…

And love this world, the way the world has never been loved before.

Loving you all so much.